Banned from zoo.
Again?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
