I got her a Nickelback box set.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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