You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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