Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
