New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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