i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
