if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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