Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
where are you?
Hypothermia
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
