also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
