It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
