Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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