so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So vagazzling was a success
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
we're so committed to being not committed
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
