someone get that fucking seahorse.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
