your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
