New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize