Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
