The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
