pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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