He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
