So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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