There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
