I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
