why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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