You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
