You really coming over, don't trick.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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