Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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