i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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