Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize