Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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