Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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