His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
