genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
