Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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