I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think I sprained my soul last night
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Come on in and take your pants off
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