Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
