and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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