dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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