Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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