You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
