I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
