I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
