when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
