Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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