i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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