using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize