Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
