so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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