i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
