Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
