You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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