we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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