11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize