You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
