About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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