last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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