Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
