Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize