No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
