i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
