I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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