If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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