Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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