After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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