The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize