It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
