i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
