Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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