'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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