so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
